When High-Achieving, First Generation Leaders Struggle With Anxiety

Written by: Dr. Megha Pulianda

I was 25-years-old when I had my first panic attack.

Even thinking back to that time of my life exhausts me. I was juggling teaching, working for my department, a weekend job, and my own graduate coursework. I was running on caffeine and obligation.

I had been awake all night, preparing for a presentation in one of my classes. I have a distinct memory of sitting on my living room floor in my studio apartment. It was like a slow suffocation. It was disorienting, like watching the color slowly drain from my own life. I was surrounded by stacks of articles and papers, full of highlights and annotations. It had been weeks since I had a good night’s rest. I curled up into a ball and desperately waited for my body to calm down.

At the time, I thought my body was failing me. I didn’t yet understand it was responding exactly as it had been trained to.

I eventually completed my presentation, and to borrow the wise words of gen-z, “I thought I ate” (I can feel my teenaged son cringing with embarrassment). In hindsight, I think I looked more like the meme of Charlie from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia standing disheveled and manic before a bulletin board than the confident graduate student I hoped to portray. My concerned professor invited me to speak with her after class. She shared a number of kind, heartfelt, and inspiring words. The part that stood out most—that I held onto with confusion more than comfort at the time—was this: “You matter”.

Intellectually, I knew she was right. I would tell a loved one, a friend, and a client the same thing. But I was raised with a different philosophy. My work and performance mattered. Staying busy and productive mattered. I was secondary to that, wasn’t I?

I feared mediocrity more than a health scare. I worried about letting down a superior more than disappointing myself.

You see, when you’re a first-generation American, you carry a unique pressure to perform. It feels like every decision you make is not only in service of your own goals, but for the hopes and dreams of your ancestors who struggled and your parents who sacrificed for your education, opportunities, and well being.

Like a bottle of soda getting slowly shaken over time, the pressure builds up inside like a million tiny bubbles. With enough jolting, and with nowhere to go, the self-imposed pressure will build and build until it explodes.

The anxiety we feel is related to so many small, compounding messages playing like a record in our minds. We feel lazy for taking a break. We feel whiney when we verbalize a complaint. We’re being frivolous when we partake in a hobby. And those anxious thoughts have nowhere to go.

I work with anxious leaders because I am one. And slowly we are reframing old messages to be gentler and kinder to ourselves. I’m slowly learning to care for myself because my professor was right—I do matter. I am learning that I can’t do the things which bring me joy, or be there for my own loved ones, if I cannot show up for myself.

I’m here for the parents who want to be more present and engaged with their families. I’m here for the children of immigrants who care about their work but they also care about themselves. I’m here for the leaders who want to create sustainable, long-lasting routines. I’m here for those who want to take wisdom from the past and leave the pain behind.

I matter, and you matter too.